Ultimate Bond villain attacks Agent 007 with W.O.K.E. minions
A fiendishly clever new Bond villain has discovered how to defeat James Bond once and for all. Klaus Schwab, creator of the World Oppressing Killing Empire (W.O.K.E.) and evilest enemy for Agent 007 ever, has sent his minions 70 years into the past to re-write all of Ian Fleming’s classic James Bond stories, pre-emptively defeating Bond before he ever becomes a threat.
“Allow me to explain our W.O.K.E. Agenda for 2030.” said Klaus while petting his hairless cat at his underground headquarters in Davos, Switzerland. “Ve need many, many useless eaters to die, so ze population can be less! Everywhere I see people, I become enraged! Das is MY AIR zey breathe! MY FOOD zey eat! Not even one private jet amongst any of zem! Zey are useless, not great like me!” The cat meowed unhappily as Klaus furiously stroked it while fantasizing about de-populating the world. “Ze ones who are left vill own Nah-zing unst be happy! Zey vill eat BUGS, not meat! Ya…BUGS!” Klaus giggled maniacally about the bugs. “But first, ve must eliminate any super-spies who could stop us such as agent 007. People who prefer ze opposite sex, know how to drive autos unst might shoot me are a threat!” Klaus then laid out his evil plan: “First, Ve vill go back in time unst make Mr. Bond very, very gay. Zat vill eliminate any future baby Bonds! Zen ve vill reduce his automobile carbon footprint from zee Aston-Martin vis machine guns to ze electric Chevy Volt ve can control from our headquarters here! No more chasing unst shooting us villains, Mr. Bond! Instead he vill spend his time on ze social media virtue-signaling how stunning unst brave he is, not real-life action! When my minions are through Bond vill be so worried about offending ze W.O.K.E. people he’ll be unable to harm a fly, even if ze fly is trying to kill him. Ha-Ha!”
Luckily Klaus’s minions have been unable to execute his plan. They felt the “Unbridled Masculinity” of the original text was LITERALLY HITLER and have since fled to a Rainbow flag adorned safe space at Starbucks to re-group over Orange Mocha Frappuchinos.